Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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