Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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