currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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