all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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