I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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