Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
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shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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