Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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