Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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