i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
zippers are such a cool invention
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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