it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize