I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
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You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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