I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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