My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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