Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize