You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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