4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize