Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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