I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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