Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
where are my eyebrows?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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