What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
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I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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