Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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