Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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