My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize