he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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