just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize