why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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