thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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