people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
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i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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