I think I died a long time ago.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We need to get me chipped asap
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