I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
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Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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