Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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