he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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