I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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