If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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