I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize