Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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