My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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