nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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