There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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