I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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