We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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