M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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