I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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