I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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