So drunk its hurt
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
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He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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