i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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