its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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