well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
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I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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