I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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