And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize